I am in the middle of a major depressive episode. My second major one in the last 4 months. Doesn’t sound too bad, does it?
I fought it for weeks.
I fought it by making to-do lists and setting goals.
I fought it by practicing self-care – getting enough sleep, showering, cleaning my house, etc.
I fought it by trying to stick to my daily routines.
I fought it by meditating and deep breathing.
I fought it by implementing all the skills and strategies I have learned through intensive therapy and CBT techniques.
But it was still there, creeping up on me like the cold of changing seasons.
I could see it lingering with me at all times. I would say to it “I don’t want you here!”
But it would continue to shuffle alongside me, weaving in and out of my daily activities and emotions.
Until one day I realized it had consumed me. Depression had wrapped its cold, suffocating arms around me, squeezing me, saying “I’ve got you now. You will stay here.”
When I am in my depression hole, I feel nothing. I am so apathetic towards life that nothing can pierce my dead heart… and yet I feel everything! Every emotion you could possibly imagine surges through me. I am always angry and frustrated.
I work to hold back tears all day long until I just can’t and I burst into uncontrollable ugly sobbing.
I don’t eat and never feel hungry.
I sleep and sleep and sleep until I can’t… and then I long for sleep as I walk around in a fog and can’t focus or concentrate.
It takes me twice as long to finish a task then it should – if I finish it at all.
I will lay on the floor and stare at the wall for hours.
My house is a disaster, my dishes and laundry are piling up, but I can barely get out of bed and make my way to the couch because I am always so exhausted and my body aches.
I have zero self-care and I can’t remember the last time I showered or washed my hair.
And if that wasn’t bad enough,
I have this overwhelming, crushing, profound feeling of being alone in the world. I’m not lonely – I am alone. I have no connections in this world. My family is gone and the realization that I am completely and utterly alone in this world is breathtaking.
It is a really powerful feeling to know you are only a spec in this universe. That when you are gone, there is nothing of you left in this world. And then you wonder, what are you waiting for?
The essence of being alone is crippling. It terrifies me and yet I have to live with it, I have to accept it, I have to embrace it and rise above it.
I’m in my depression hole and I know I need to dig my way out. But where do I start? I am so overwhelmed.
And then I remind myself, I have been here before. I am able to break free from depressions grip on me.
Small steps and self-compassion will be my shovel.
I will start with a shower…
~ Lacey ~
During this episode, I saw my doctor and therapist. Help is available to you. Find someone you trust and let them know how bad things are or find a local crisis hotline/centre for help.